Jokers Wild
by The Fico
Summary: The sequel to All Joking Aside where our favorite sarcastic pilot gets the girl. Joker and FemShep pairing.
1. Chapter 1

Greetings and salutations faithful readers! So I have returned and have had a tough time picking a new story for ME2. So, since Joker is the only returning character that I have previously written for I am continuing the All Joking Aside storyline. So please read that first so you know what the blue hell is going on.

Previously: _"Shush now, for once the great Commander Shepard can be silent and rest."_

_"But Joker, you have one last mission to carry out."_

_"Oh? And what would that be?" queried the pilot, lying next to Laura in her bed._

_"Kiss me and fall asleep next to me."_

_"Aye aye ma'am."_

_

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_

Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau slowly untangled himself from the bed sheets and sat on the side of bed rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Stretching, Joker slowly made his way to his feet before pain gripped his body. The pilot quickly grabbed the nightstand nearby as he waited for the pain to subside.

"You're getting worse," said a voice from behind, causing Joker to turn around quickly.

"Thought you were asleep," Joker replied, as he gathered clothes.

"You're not as stealthy as you think," teased Laura Shepard, copying his actions from before. "What did Liara say?"

"Well," the pilot started with a sigh. "It always was an experiment. According to her, the degeneration will continue, but I should be able to walk without crutches."

Laura encircled her pilot around the shoulder and rested on his shoulder. "It doesn't matter to me. I want you to know that," she said softly. "Just you being you is enough."

"Mmmm cheesy," Joker chuckled and placed a kiss on Commander Shepard's head before standing. "But I'm not going to let anything keep me away from you." Now properly in uniform, Joker slapped on his baseball cap and struck a pose as the doors leading to the crew deck opened. "How do I look?"

Following the pilot, Shepard smacked at the brim of the hat. "Dashing I believe is your favorite word. Are you ready to hunt geth?"

Joker shrugged and made his way towards the steps. "Do we really have to? We know that the geth are not the real problem."

"True, but I'm Alliance and they want me to cooperate with the Council. And," she said before Joker could argue. "I'm a Spectre and must listen to the Council. So if they say to fight geth, that's what I'm going to do."

"Things were much easier when we mutinied," responded the pilot once he settled into his seat. "I can do that you know. I could kidnap you and whisk you away."

"It's not kidnapping if I want to go with you," she whispered, before placing a light kiss on his cheek and handing him a slip of paper. "For now, let's go to these coordinates and maybe we'll get a shore leave soon."

"Looking forward to it ma'am," Joker replied as Shepard walked away. After plotting the course the Normandy sped towards its destination.

After arriving, and finding nothing it came time for the great scanning. By day four, a lull had fallen over the crew. "Disengaging FTL drives," Joker almost yawned. "Emission sinks active and the board is green which means ladies and gentlemen that we are running silent.

"We're wasting our time," Pressly commented. "We've spent four days circling every planet in this sector, and we haven't seen a single geth headlight."

"Council and Shepard said three ships have gone missing. Those things don't just go off around space, they're not us," Joker noted.

"The smart money is on slavers. We are in the Terminus Systems after all."

"We've picked up something on our long range scanners," cut in Liz, one of the usual system operators. "An unidentified vessel, a cruiser maybe."

"Doesn't match any known signatures," Joker pondered. _Who or what is it?_

"Whatever it is, the cruiser just changed course and it's," she paused. "On an intercept vector."

"Check those readings, the stealth systems are engaged. There's no way a geth ship could pick us up," Pressly reasoned.

_That's right, no geth ship._

"It's not the geth," Joker said, grabbing the controls. "Brace for evasive maneuvers!"

_Too late._

Try as he might, Joker could not avoid the weapon of this new foe. An explosion rocked the ship and Pressly fell to the floor in a heap. More and more fiery pops sounded as Liz joined Pressly. The terminal in front of Joker was screaming and flashing warnings. "Multiple hull breaches, weapons are offline. For crying out loud, somebody get that fire out."

_Who are these guys?_

"Alright, I'm calling it. Evacuate everyone," Joker said grimly and hit the dreaded Big Red Button. But Joker had no plans of leaving and set to the task of preventing the Normandy from falling apart. Everything fell silent as Joker focused all his attention to his beloved ship. The pilot only released the control to put on his atmosphere mask before returning his attention where necessary.

"Come one Joker, we need to get out of here," came Laura's plea as she was now behind him.

"No," he said stubbornly. "I won't abandon the Normandy! I can still save her!"

"The Normandy is dead Joker. And so are we if we don't get the hell out of here," Shepard argued. "And if I die, I'll make sure your personal hell is me naked but you can't reach me." The strange beam weapon tore right behind the cockpit. "Come on," she said, grabbing his arm, which shattered.

"Crap, watch the arm!" he winced as Laura helped him hobble to the pilot's escape pod. Just as Joker settled into the seat, another explosion sent a shudder through the ship and thrust Shepard against the far wall, followed by the beam cutting off Shepard's escape. "Shepard!" Joker shouted out the pod and then if possible things got worse. Shepard started reaching for the emergency release button. "Don't you dare Laura!"

But it was too late. The doors hissed and sealed shut before rocketing away from the wreck that was the Normandy. From his pod, Joker was forced to watch as his beloved ship and Laura turned into a fireball. "Laura!" he shouted, pounding on the sides of the pod. "God damn it!" he screamed before crumpling to the pod floor. "Laura," he sniffed.

_I love you._

_

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Here it people. Just putting some feelers out there hoping you all like this. can't promise consistent updates, but i will try.  
_


	2. Chapter 2

Warning: The following chapter may cause 1)crying 2)missing funny Joker moments 3)you to hate me for it being so short.

Disclaimer: Yeah, kinda forgot my first one but I don't care.

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Chapter 2

Two days. It took two days for anybody to find Joker. For two days Joker was completely alone. For two days the pilot could do nothing but think of Shepard. For two days Joker blamed himself.

_You should have known._

_Known what? Never seen anything like that…that…thing._

_You could have done more. Evaded better. You're supposed to be the best damn pilot in the Alliance._

_If it weren't for me, we would have died immediately._

_Well maybe then you could be with Shepard. You should have left when she told you to._

_Shut up._

_You're worthless._

_Shut up._

_You're weak._

_Shut Up._

_You're a failure._

_Shut Up!_

_You killed her._

"SHUT UP!" he shouted before punching a sidewall with his good arm and creating another dent. "Well that's just great." The scenario kept playing again and again in his end, but there was nothing he could do now. Not here, not now. When his rescue finally did arrive in the form of an Alliance frigate, Joker could only desperately ask whether Laura had been found or not. Everybody he asked could only look away and shake his or her head.

Five days. The search for Commander Shepard lasted for five days. For five days, Joker and the surviving Normandy crew helped look for Shepard. For five days Joker stared and glowered through every scan and search report. For five days Joker blamed himself.

_You should know where she is._

_How? There was a freaking explosion. Even if she survived the fire, it could have blasted her in any direction._

_Not to mention hard suit breaches._

_Or burning in the atmosphere of a planet on reentry._

_Or floating through space until the oxygen ran out._

"Shit" he cursed, throwing the charts to the floor.

"Stop it," came a voice from the doorway. Joker looked up to see Ashley. "It won't change anything. She's gone."

"Don't say that."

"They're calling off the search, she's is officially listed as KIA," she spat.

"How could they do that?" Joker asked, slowly getting to his feet. "She saved the galaxy, and they're giving up? It's only been five days!"

"Alliance regulations call for a maximum search of two days," Ashley said, leaning against a wall. "It's been five days, with Alliance and Council sent ships. Plans for a funeral at the Citadel are already being made."

"How can you say that without any…emotion?" the pilot queried, resisting the urge to tackle her. "She was your friend."

"I know."

"She saved you on Eden Prime."

"I know."

"She let Alenko die for YOU!"

"I KNOW!" the Chief exploded, before sliding down the wall. "I know."

Four hours. The funeral for first human Spectre and Commander Laura Shepard lasted for four agonizing hours. Admiral Hackett spoke first, describing how it was possible for every human to reach such heights. The Council spoke of how Shepard was a shining example of how far humanity had come. But it was Anderson's speech that meant the most.

Humanity's first councilor stood at the pedestal with his head bowed silently for the longest time. When he looked out at the gathered people, his eyes were bloodshot and puffy. "Shepard was…is the closest thing I could ever call a daughter. I was in the recruitment office when she stumbled in, with a cut cheek. The recruiter was just looking to improve his numbers, I bet he never thought that the punky little girl would save all of our asses. I remember when she graduated from the N7 program, I was there as an alumni. She gave the most stirring speech, her classmates applauded for ten minutes while her speech only lasted five. It was glimpse into how she would come to inspire any crew she came in contact to. She served under my command many times; I thought she was following me. But of course the truth was that I kept picking her, eager to see just how high this young woman would go. When she became a Spectre, I was more than happy to hand over the Normandy. I realized that she officially surpassed me, like all parents hope their children will. And I couldn't be more proud. But we have lost more than just a person, or another daughter. We have lost a bit of ourselves, and the galaxy feels much emptier for it. So rest in peace Laura Shepard, may you find peace. May we all, find peace."

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Hope you like this, keeping up with this story may be hard with my stupid life. REVIEW!


	3. Chapter 3

Greetings faithful readers and true believers. I apologize for the delay, but meh life and stuff, pretty sure I warned you.

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Chapter 3

Joker pinched the bridge of his nose before slowly shaking his head. "Starboard? You would divert emergency power to the starboard thrusters? Did you want to kill your entire crew?"

"I-I-I mean port sir?"

"Port? You must really be a sick twisted sick-o," Joker shot back.

"Then what sir?"

"Starboard obviously," he said simply. "Never second guess yourself, your gut is usually right…usually. Now get out of here."

The class swiftly exited the room much to Joker's relief. Slowly making his way to his desk, he sat down with a very exaggerated sigh and his head sank into his hands. The hands that once piloted the finest frigate in the universe were now relegated to typing up lesson plans. The fingers that once swiftly flew over control buttons now merely pointed at holographic displays and students with questions.

_The hands that once touched a certain Commander Sh-_

_Stop!_

Joker sighed again and started drumming his fingers on the desk while leaning back. Things had swiftly circled the drain following the funeral. Garrus avoided C-Sec like the plague and disappeared following a small gathering at Joker's apartment in the wards. Tali had accompanied the turian in order to hitch a ride to the Flotilla. Wrex left after getting very, very drunk and almost cried when he said that he should start living up to Shepard's expectations. Liara vowed to study why Joker's condition was reverting to before her "treatment." It only lasted so long, but he did not mind as long as things stayed the way they were. Currently, he could as Liara predicted walk without crutches, but with a considerable limp. Ashley was the worst: simply disappearing. But Joker knew that something was up. Good marines do not just up and disappear unless they get reassigned to something classified.

As for Joker? He got grounded. Apparently his mental state was deemed "unfit for duty," and so was unable to get a new assignment. Luckily, the new councilor Anderson was able to pull some strings and get him an instructor position at Arcturus Station. So now the best pilot that the Alliance had to offer was stuck teaching the newest ship jocks. That was about a year and a half ago.

Joker slowly got up from his desk and made his way towards his Alliance provided flat. As the door swished opened the former pilot felt nothing but bad vibes coming from the small flat. With only a bathroom, a small kitchen, and cot squeezed into a corner, there was not much to investigate and few place to hide. But still, Joker was not taking any chances and slowly drew his sidearm.

"Are you always this cautious Mr. Moreau? Or should I call you Joker?" asked a voice emanating somewhere from the far corner where the cot was.

_Joker? Nobody has called me that here._

_Just play it cool._

_What would Laura say?_

"You seem to have me at a disadvantage," he stalled as he attempted to point his gun in towards the source of the noise.

"Indeed? And yet you do not a have a gun pointed about ten feet to your right," commented a voice that Joker decided was female with an Australian accent.

"Alright," he said, adjusting his heading. "You obviously aren't threatened. What do you want?"

The lights flicked on to reveal a woman sitting at the edge of his bed. She had black hair and a skintight white uniform that barely covered her. And of course there was the gun pointed at him. "Not pointed ten feet to my right but directly at me?"

"Correct," she said curtly. "Sit, we have something to discuss."

"Gun first," Joker said with a gulp. It had been awhile since he was out in the field.

"Very well," the mystery woman said as she holstered it…somewhere. The pilot cautiously sat in the only chair in the flat. "I work for Cerberus an-"

"No."

"You haven't even heard the off-"

"As much as chasing Saren was our top priority, we still ran into Cerberus more than enough times. Rachni, thresher maws, Thorian creepers, you killed people. A lot of people," he countered.

"What other cells do is not my concern," she said. "What if I told you that we could get you flying again?"

"And what? Work for you?" he snorted.

"In a matter of speaking. We will provide the ship, but you will report to someone that will be given practically free reign. Someone you know."

"Somebody I know? Anyone of the Normandy crew would never work for Cerberus," he said, his mouth going dry.

"Not unless they had somebody to lead them. Somebody they knew. But not all of your old crew will be joining you," she said, hunching over and smirking.

"Ha! The only person they would trust would be Com…mander…Shepard," Joker did not like the wicked gleam in the woman's eyes.

"Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Miranda Lawson."

"But, but, but, but Laura is…" he could not finish and merely looked at his feet.

"Dead? True, and she still technically is. But my cell within Cerberus is dedicated to rectifying this situation," she explained.

"Cloning?"

"No, complete reconstruction."

"But her body was not recovered by the…Alliance," he slowed. "You stole her body?"

"Actually, we simply searched longer. We acquired her body through Liara T'Soni, after she escaped the Shadow Broker of course. But that's not what's important," Miranda said.

"Why go through all the trouble? Trying to bring somebody back from the dead? Must cost more than five Normandies, something must be going on," Joker said suspiciously.

"Human colonies are disappearing," said the Cerberus operative. "Not being attacked, but the colonists simply disappearing. The Lazarus Project is intent on bringing back Commander Shepard to investigate this."

"How…how close?" he gulped out.

"She woke up last night but," she said, holding up a hand. "It was too early. She will not be ready for another few weeks. Interested?"

"Lemme, make sure I've got everything," the pilot said counting out on his finger. "I disappear from here, I will be employed by Cerberus; a shady organization, I will report to Laura, and she's being brought back from the dead, and all this to go off on another mission to save the universe?"

Miranda nodded.

Joker smirked, "Just another day."

*****OMG Time Lapse******

Joker was nervous. He knew Laura was in the next room, talking to The Illusive Man, but he was not to enter until the doors opened. But he could hear everything. Finally, the doors swooshed open, and Joker limped though. She was still facing where The Illusive Man's hologram disappeared. She looked just as beautiful as when he last saw her. There were new scars on her face from the Lazarus Project, but those would heal. And even though he was trying to think of something perfect to say when he was told to wait his mind drew a blank. Nothing witty, nothing romantic or even funny but he had to say something.

"Hey Commander. Just like old times, huh?"

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Well I hope you all liked that. Either way, review and offer whatever you want: flames, praise, advice, encouragement, or nonsensical awesomeness. Ttfn


	4. Chapter 4

Good lord people I profusely apologize for leaving for two months but it was do or die time for me. But summer is here and my schedule should be normal-ish so i hope to update more regularly. Much love and enjoy.

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It was the lamest greeting ever, but before he could stop it was already said. But what do you say exactly to somebody you loved and thought was dead? Not missing, dead. Miranda had made that part very clear. And how did Laura feel about all of this? Joker could not even begin to fathom how much this could possibly be eating away at the Commander, so he simply waited for a reply.

The commander did not turn around, but her shoulders sagged before she spoke. "I'm so glad you're alive," she said.

"I thought that was my line," he replied as he slowly crept closer. "It's not everyday you watch somebody blow up and the have a conversation two years later."

"Suffocation."

"Hm?"

"The blast pushed me away, cracked the suit, and sent me towards the planet. I ran out of oxygen before I broke the atmosphere," she said dejectedly.

"Laura, I…it's all my fault," said the pilot as he put a hand on Shepard's shoulder.

The commander chuckled and shook her head but remained in her spot. "After all the times you pulled my boots out of the fire? And I'm sure there will be more times in the future. There will be plenty of time to make up for it."

"Why aren't you mad?" Joker queried. "I…I should have abandoned the ship as soon as the pods started launching. You wouldn't have died and we both wouldn't be working with Cerberus."

"What do you want me to say Joker?" anger creeping into her voice. "That it's your fault?"

_Yes_

"That you're an idiot?"

_Yes_

"That I want to break your legs again and again?"

_Yes_

"That I hate you?"

_Yes_

"Well I can't do that Joker! You're the only person I've got left! When I woke up on that cold slab the first two thoughts in my brain were 'Holy crap I'm alive' and 'Where's Joker?' So I can't just turn my back on you because I know you would never do that to me," she ranted. "So yes, maybe it was your fault, and you were being and idiot, but that's the past. We've got human colonies to save."

"Then why won't you look at me?" he asked as he tried to turn her around.

Laura extracted herself from his grasp and turned away. "I…I don't want you to see me this way," she said sadly.

"What way? I haven't seen you in two years for Christ's sake," he said with a smirk. "Don't you wanna see me? I'm not that ugly."

Laura snorted. "You sure? Alright, but I warned you."

When Shepard turned the first thing Joker thought was that Cerberus got all of the proportions right and he thanked them for finding her. When his eyes finally reached her face he realized why she was surprisingly subconscious. There were still cuts and unhealed scars that spider webbed her face. But what was more was that the scars seemed to glow with an unearthly light. But none of that mattered to the pilot; the most important thing he saw was that her eyes were still the same. The same chocolate brown with the arrowhead in her left iris.

_She's still my Laura._

"So you're worried about some scars? You already have plenty, I'm sure these will heal," he said as he pulled the commander into a hug.

"It's more than that Jeff," she sniffed. "I don't even know how far Cerberus went with cybernetics and everything else. I couldn't even tell you which parts of me are fake or real."

"It doesn't matter. I've got you back and that's all that matters."

"Save the romantics flyboy," she said as she smacked his new Cerberus cap affectionately. "We have to go to Freedom's Progress first, then you know, save the galaxy."

Joker mocked a frown. "Damn galaxy saving always gets in the way."

"Do we even have a ship?"

Joker smiled.

"Uh oh, I don't like that shit-eating grin on your face."

"You're gonna love this," he said as he grasped her arm and led her up the steps. "They just told me the other day, but I haven't been inside yet."

"The way you're so excited you would think they…rebuilt…the…" Shepard could only stare with her mouth open as the lights in the hangar came on. "How?"

"Dunno."

"Why?"

"Who cares?"

"Sweet."

"Yep. Come on let's get aboard."

After walking through the new Normandy and meeting the new crew, Joker and Shepard finally settled back at the cockpit. "So Commander, any complaints besides EDI?"

Laura took a slow look around with a thoughtful look. "There's no copilot's chair," she noted sadly.

"That's correct Commander," EDI piped in, much to Joker's dismay. "It was deemed unnecessary as I was installed and occupied any other available space."

"See? It _is_ evil," the pilot whispered.

"Perhaps, but it could mean more auto piloting and meeting me in my new quarters," she said softly. "Now take me to Freedom's Progress and start this little adventure of ours."

"At your command Shepard."

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Did anybody else realize there was no copilot seat? Now I can't have Shepard fall asleep all cutely in the cockpit. Oh well. Review!


	5. Chapter 5

Just want to say thanks to those reading this. Hope you will stick with me as I update this on the weekends.

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"The colony has completely gone dark Shepard. Not even any distress signals," Joker said, as the shuttle to Freedom's Progress landed. "I hate it when it's too quiet."

"Me too, Joker," Laura responded. "Keep the scans up, I don't want any surprises."

"Will do," said the pilot before killing the radio feed. "So EDI, anything to add to this operation?"

"No Mr. Moreau, but you will be the first to know," the AI said.

_Bullshit. That thing will kill you all the first chance it gets._

_But Cerberus would not have put faith in something that wasn't human if they were not absolutely that it would help._

_Don't believe them for a second. They will use you and Shepard until they can spit the both of you out._

_I hate this shit._

_Just shut it and help Shepard save the galaxy._

_Again._

"I've detected two things. Patching to Commander Shepard," EDI noted as she opened the radio channel directly to Shepard's suit. "Shepard, I've detected a Quarian craft as well as electronic spikes that indicate-"

"The powering up of mechs?" she asked sarcastically as gunshots resounded over the channel. "Yeah I noticed. Tell Joker to get off his ass and help you scan next time."

"Commander, I do not require-"

"Obviously you do need help. Now shut up so I can concentrate!" the commander shouted.

Joker snorted at the AI while flicking on the HUD displays of Shepard, Miranda, and Jacob. "I hate this part," Joker grumbled as another LOKI mech was shot down.

Even though Joker could walk two years previously, going out to Noveria was terrifying. But at least he felt like he could do something to help back then. Now? It was back to watching, orbiting, scanning, informing, and worrying. Joker sighed, knowing that there was nothing that could be done.

_At least I've got leather seats._

A sharp intake of breath from Shepard drew the pilot's attention back to the screens. "Tali?"

"Is that you Shepard?"

If Joker were drinking anything it would have been all over the displays. "Tali?"

"It would appear that the quarians are also interested in what happened to this colony," EDI noted.

Joker rolled his eyes at the machine's avatar. "Remind me what the 'I' in AI stands for?"

"Certainly Mr. Moreau, it stands for 'Intelligence' of course."

"Right, so why do you feel the need to state the obvious?" he asked before hitting the mute button.

Tali had just opened the large bay doors as a particularly large mech was activated. Shepard's HUD identified it as a YMIR Mech, but all Joker knew was that it had a new paint job courtesy of the quarian team it just stomped into smears on the warehouse floor. After taking cover, Shepard sent Miranda left and Jacob right before hefting the rocket launcher off of her back and took a steadying breath. "Joker?"

"Working on the cameras boss," he said quickly as he accessed the appropriate systems. "I've got eyes on everyone and everything. Good to go on three," he said as he tapped into the team's channel. "One…Two…Three."

It was pure poetry in motion. Miranda used Overload, as Jacob made good use of his shotgun, and charging up the middle was Shepard releasing the contents of her rocket launcher. The mech never stood a chance, and it was not long before Miranda and Tali were arguing what to do over Veetor. With the data uploaded to the Normandy, Tali and her remaining squad left with Veetor as Laura boarded the shuttle.

"So, Collector's eh?" asked Joker as Shepard made her way to the cockpit. "Not the most creative name for a race."

Laura chuckled, "Probably not."

"So…Tali?"

"Busy, being a respectable member of quarian society."

"Right, right," Joker said as he rubbed his beard. "I'd offer you a seat but…"

"Oh don't worry," Laura said as she sat on EDI's avatar.

"Have I mentioned I love you?" he asked with a laugh.

"Sap."

"So was it rough seeing our favorite quarian?" he queried.

"It was tough for the both of us. Everyone thinks I'm dead obviously."

"Yeah, for some reason people can't seem to shake that idea, seeing how you've only been 'alive' for all of three days," the pilot quipped.

"I miss everyone from the old crew, but at least I've got you."

"Sap."

"Touché."

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Hope you enjoyed this as much as i enjoyed writing it. Leave a review or what not!


	6. Chapter 6

Holy crap it's been too long. Sorry everybody, co-op is taking my time away plus I've been without ME2 for quite awhile and i typically play the game as i write. Sorry. Anywho, here's chapter 6

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"Omega. The Citadel of the Terminus Systems they say," Joker said dryly to Shepard via her suit radio.

Gunfire resounded back into the cockpit's speakers. "Well whomever 'they' are should get their heads examined."

"Ah, but the name Terminus Systems being the key of course. Gangs, violence, occasional slavery, prostitution, thugs, and of course…"

"More gangs, more violence and a doctor who could help us," Laura finished.

"According to the Illusive Man of course," Joker said, glancing at EDI's stand.

"And Aria too. She may be a mob boss, but she has no reason to lead us astray: less humans means less money for her in the long run," reasoned Shepard as she entered the salarian's clinic.

Mordin Solus had an unusual red and white coloring as well as several scars criss-crossing his face. He was working on a patient when Shepard entered the room and of course he was talking a mile a minute. Sure, he seemed well meaning, but the mechs outside his clinic, and the lack of information before his clinic days said otherwise. Listening to the salarian gave Joker a headache, but thankfully Shepard was swiftly off to release the cure into the environmental systems.

"Vorcha, vorcha, vorcha," sighed Joker. "Why did I want to get out into the field two years ago?"

"Because you love me," Laura said smoothly as she snapped a vorcha's head back with a pistol shot between the eyes.

"Right, right. Remind me of these guys next time someone wants to 'cure' me," Joker replied.

"Noted. I need you at the helm anyway. Are these the controls we're looking for?" she asked, focusing her HUD camera.

"They match the schematics Mordin gave us. But there should be another one on the other side of the main catwalk."

"Of course there's another one. We can travel to distant galaxies but we can't put the controls for the environment system in one place. Christ on a Bike!" the commander shouted. With more rockets zooming past Shepard's head than Joker cared to count, the pilot watched as Laura slowly made her way to the other control unit and activated it. "Tell me it worked flyboy."

"I am reading a swiftly diminishing virus level ma'am," Joker stated.

"Peachy. Let's go bag us a salarian," she said as she rested her shotgun on her shoulder.

"Ah, Shepard you have returned. Knew you would, well not knew, but odds were favorable indeed. I will be leaving my clinic in the capable hands of my apprentice, he is young, but has been learning quickly. But must ask, why are you working with Cerberus? Relations were not so smooth between you and Cerberus before your death, and yet here you are, and now working with them. One can only assume it was them that are responsible for your revival."

"…Wow. I'm a woman and even I think that was talking fast."

"My apologies Shepard, but there is very little time to waste as the Collectors have already hit several of your colonies and I'm sure the Illusive Man wouldn't want too many more to disappear," Mordin said as he exited the clinic.

"You know much more than thought. At least on this subject," Shepard replied. "Your past is a bit fuzzy in your dossier collected by our mutual acquaintance. And that's saying something. So I'm gonna go ahead and say…Special Task Group."

Mordin stopped in his tracks. "Correct," he said before simply continuing forward.

"Salarians," Laura murmured.

"Now, now commander you are starting to sound like a racist, or whatever it is they call it but for aliens. How would you feel if someone treated you like that?" he asked teasingly.

"Simple Joker. I introduce them to the business end of my many, many boomsticks."

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So that's that hope you think it's alright and i will swear to do much better on the mission for Garrus cuz i love it! Review por favor!


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry for the delay folks but here it is everybody Chapter 7 of JW

* * *

"Hm, leg braces but no bones are currently broken and yet knees and other joints seem swollen with skin showing signs of repetitive bruising. Osteogenesis imperfecta or Vrolik Syndrome but more commonly known as brittle bones disease. Can be fatal if born with it, you are lucky. No cure known as of yet but percentage of galactic population with disease is so sparse a study has never been implemented. A challenge. Will look into it. After completion of Collector seeker swarm research of course."

"Uhhh, ummm, right. I'm sure you can find the lab. Big sign, can't miss it."

"Sounds like you met our newest recruit," came Shepard's voice over her suit's radio. "He's a genius you know."

"Salarian, genius, deadly, and master of run-on sentences," the pilot added.

"Just got done with Aria. Seems like this Archangel pissed off the local merc groups enough that they're teaming up to take him down."

"Aw, and who says we can't all get along?" Joker asked sarcastically. "How do you plan on getting in?"

Shepard chuckled. "I've signed up with the mercs to be sniper fodder."

"Comforting," Joker replied as he flicked through the file. "What did Aria contribute besides what we already know?"

"Already knew he was a turian and a crack sniper. Started attacking mercs with a heaping helping of vigilantism, which attracted a small team. Currently holed up at his base funneling mercs through the only entrance," Shepard relayed.

"Aside from the last part, he sounds like a turian Shepard," the pilot teased.

"Me?" the commander queried as she boarded a transport. "I suppose. But I wasn't a vigilante. Alliance, Spectre, what am I now?"

"I won't even suggest Cerberus Operative."

"No."

"Commander Shepard will do."

"Thanks Joker. We're here."

"One question: How is Archangel gonna know you're there to help?" the pilot enquired.

"Simple. When I start shooting mercs in the back," she said, as she cocked her pistol.

"Hot."

Shepard was of course the first to hop over the wall and duck into cover as some other fodder's head exploded. At the crack of each sniper round Shepard and her teamed bolted to the next available piece of cover. Peaking out, Shepard spotted a grunt at the entrance of the base and quickly gunned him down. Sniper fire sounded out but this time it was Shepard's feed that cut out.

Joker almost snapped his shinbone as he shot out of his seat. "Shepard!"

The commander groaned, "Concussive rounds? It appears we are moving too slowly for him."

"Let's not disappoint him then," Miranda said as she helped up Shepard.

Ducking into the base and up the stairs Joker watched as Shepard finally laid eyes on the turian sniper. "Bet you it's Garrus," Joker wagered.

"You're on." Shepard replied. "Archangel?"

The turian held up a talon to signal Shepard to wait before firing at the last piece of meat standing on the bridge. Standing, the turian rested his rifle on a stack of crates before taking a seat himself a removing his helmet.

"Oh come on!"

"Score! Joker one, Shepard zero."

"You sound disappointed to see me Commander."

"Just surprised is all, good to see you Garrus," Shepard replied.

"Heard you were dead ma'am," he noted as he began to clean his rifle.

"I was. Feeling better now. No thanks to you, can't believe you shot me," she said, checking her helmet.

"Concussive rounds. Not deadly. Had to keep you moving."

"Well I'm here," Shepard motioned. "Now how about getting out?"

Garrus trained his rifle at the bridge and motioned Shepard to take a look. "The funnel effect works both ways, but it's the only way out. Scouts, Eclipse I think."

Shepard chuckled and fired a round through the head of a mech. "More than scouts, but one less now," she said before handing the rifle back. "Ready to spill some merc blood?"

"Glad to see you haven't changed. I'll stay up here a cover you while you do what you do best," Garrus said before placing his helmet back on.

With that, Shepard jumped ledge and landed with a thud back on the bridge. With rapid-fire support from Shepard and Miranda and Jacob lifting targets for free shots by Garrus, the foursome made quick work of the Eclipse mercs. At least, until an enormous YMIR mech was lifted over the ledge accompanied by Jaroth. "Let's conserve some ammo!" Shepard shouted over the din. "Push it over the ledge! Garrus keep it and Jaroth off of us." A round impacted into the mech's armor in response. As the team enacted Shepard's plan the giant mech slowly inched towards the edge of the bridge.

"Jaroth is done," came Garrus's voice over the radio.

After what seemed like an eternity, the mech was finally on the cusp of the bridge. "Shepard, I'm overheated," Jacob noted. Miranda nodded in agreement.

"Shit me too," Shepard said. Another shot rang out and the impact forced the mech into the abyss below. "And splat."

"Get back here Shepard, they've dug through the collapsed tunnels. Need you to close the blast doors. Leave me that pull-o-matic man beast of yours and I'll be fine," Garrus hailed.

This time it was the Blood Pack with varren, krogan and vorcha advancing through the tunnels. "Uploading Jacob's and Garrus's vitals to your HUD ma'am," Joker inserted quickly between firefights.

With the last of the blast doors closed Shepard and Miranda hurried back to their comrades back upstairs. Upon arrival, Garrus was locked up rifle to shotgun with a massive krogan with Jacob struggling to get a clean shot. With a roar, the krogan reared back and slammed his weapon so hard that it snapped Garrus's rifle in half. Thinking quickly, the turian sidestepped and allowed the krogan's momentum to send him over the ledge and onto the bridge below. In moments, Shepard and Miranda aimed over the edge and emptied their weapons into the beast.

"Good timing as always Shepard. That was my favorite rifle," Garrus said sadly. "The one you got me."

"Aw. We'll get you a new one."

"Hostile aircraft inbound," Joker warned.

On cue an aircraft bearing the Blue Suns logo rose into view of the bay window and opened fire. Everybody dove into cover, except for Garrus. Joker watched through his fingers as Garrus's HUD view filled with his own blood before crashing into the floor. "Garrus!" Shepard shouted.

"Ma'am he's alive but you need to get him out of there and quickly," the pilot warned.

"Use the Cain!" Jacob shouted.

Taking the enormous weapon from her back and began charging the device.

"Only got one shot at this Shepard," Joker warned.

"Only need one," Shepard breathed before spinning out from cover and releasing a volley.

There was a blinding light over all of the feeds, and everybody's shields dropped. When the light faded and the smoke cleared, the gunship was nowhere to be found. Miranda and Jacob were coughing to try and clear their lungs before they saw Shepard calmly surveying the damage while blowing the smoke rising from the mammoth weapon.

"Hot."

* * *

So how did I do? I like this mission a lot so I hope this goes over well. Review por favor.


	8. Chapter 8

Apologies for taking so long, but I WILL finish this story. Anywhoozle, appreciate the input on the last chapter and here's an in betweener.

* * *

"How's Garrus?" Joker asked as Commander Shepard joined him at the helm. The turian was a mess as they brought him aboard the Normandy. His rescue had gone smoothly based on recent standards, which were admittedly low. However, the gunship that Laura thought she had disabled was serviceable enough to make an appearance and take a chunk out of their favorite turian.

"Possibly now more ruggedly looking thanks to some new scars," Shepard said dryly.

"Yeah? Is this going to be a problem between you two?" the pilot queried as he rotated his chair to face his XO and scooted over so she could sit.

"Oh I don't know," Laura said as she draped her arm around her favorite helmsman. "I've dated all kinds: muscles, lanky, average, cripple. Those turians sure are exotic and solid."

"Alright, alright I get it. I'm an ass for asking," Joker said as he playfully shoved the commander.

"Yup," Laura said, popping her 'P.' "He should be up and nailing marks from a mile away in no time."

"Maybe he'll talk less too."

"And the ass factor keeps climbing."

"Flattery will get you most places Commander, but not with me."

"You wish that was true you old softy," Shepard said as she poked Joker's stomach.

"Leave the pilot alone. Crunches can only get you so far. And you have your soft spots too," Joker teased as he gave Laura's tush a pinch from the seat.

"Prat," the commander said as she smacked his new Cerberus hat.

The Normandy's proximity monitors pinged the pilot's console. Letting Shepard out of his chair before turning back to his computer, Joker accessed the docking cameras. "Expecting somebody?"

"Space pizza?"

"Not unless space pizza is delivered by a facially disfigured, armor wearing, gun toting brute," the pilot observed.

"Must be the merc the Illusive Man messaged me about: Zaeed Massani," the commander explained.

"Ah mercs: scum of the galaxy…until we need them right?"

"Seems the Illusive Man thinks so."

Zaeed knocked on the airlock door. "I know you're using the cameras. And I know the Illusive Man let you know I was coming." After a confirming nod from Laura, Joker let the mercenary in. "About bloody time," he said after being cycled through the airlock.

"Welcome aboard the Normandy," Shepard greeted as she extended her hand in greeting.

Zaeed only stared at the offered appendage. "Who the hell is this broad?" he asked Joker.

"This broad is Commander Laura Shepard," she said before Joker could shoot off a rude remark.

"Hell I don't care. Cerberus is paying me a bundle to finish whatever the mission is. Obviously it's important and obviously they need somebody like me to wear the pants on this tub," the merc said.

"Charming, but in case you haven't noticed I wear the pants, the combat boots, and carry the big guns. And if you're going to have a problem following orders from me I will either have to tie you up and have Joker blast you out the airlock, or take every credit the Illusive Man is paying you and ram it up your merc ass. Get me?"

_Damn, that was weirdly arousing._

Zaeed chuckled. "I like that in woman. I'll be below deck if you need me," he said before shrugging his gear and walking off.

"What a swell guy," Joker cracked.

"I think I might have attracted him with that tongue lashing," Laura sighed.

"Is it bad that I thought it was awesome?"

"Only because it might mean you're a pervert."

"I prefer 'sexually minded' if you don't mind."

"Keep it in your pants flight lieutenant."

"Consider it done ma'am. Destination?"

"Well, we could go to the Krogan DMZ, the Citadel, or a prison ship," Shepard listed.

"So in translation: cluster of planets dominated by psychotic alligators, regulated society where everybody thinks you're dead or traitors to the Alliance, or a ship full of assorted psychopaths?"

"Sounds about right."

"So much crazy so little time," Joker sighed. "Why would we go to the Citadel?"

"Another squad mate financed by Cerberus, pick up some supplies, and maybe a quick shore leave."

"Well when you put it like that how could I not pick the Citadel?" the pilot asked.

"Then set the course flyboy and let's get the hell off of this asteroid," Shepard said before heading for her quarters as Joker watched her go. "Stop staring Joker."

"I'm not staring…just making sure Cerberus got everything right."

"Pilots," Shepard sighed.

* * *

Holy exposition Batman! Hope you enjoyed this. Will pick up Kasumi next chapter and of course cause some problems. Lemme know what's what with a review!


	9. Chapter 9

As always my apologies for the delay. Please enjoy

* * *

_Ah the Citadel: Center of galactic commerce and government._

_Don't forget center of corruption and staging of an attempted Reaper invasion._

_Right, that too._

_And where Shepard's memorial statue is._

_Oh that should be fun._

"What's the hold up Joker?" the commander asked as she came into the cockpit.

"You're dead remember? I can't just toss your name around and get your cushy Alliance and Spectre clearance," the pilot explained.

"Yeah, somehow I keep forgetting I'm dead. Must be the whole breathing, heartbeat, and getting shot at thing."

"Your life being threatened makes you feel alive?" Joker asked with a cocked eyebrow. "Damn shame."

"Well there are other things," Laura said slyly as she spun Joker's chair around and sat on his lap.

"Oh?" the pilot gulped. "Such as?"

"Mmmm talking with you, touching you," she continued as she slowly traced Joker's beard.

_Stay calm, deep breaths. Try not to focus on the incredibly hot women in your lap._

_Too late._

_Crap._

"There is one other thing," Shepard said as she lowered her face closer to the pilot.

Joker's console pinged.

_Shit._

"Ignore it," Laura whispered into Joker's ear.

"If I don't answer, they'll give our spot away," Joker said as he swatted blindly at the appropriate button.

"Normandy SR2 you are cleared for docking in bay 225."

With Laura currently nibbling on his earlobe, Joker found it hard to simply respond. "Uh…yeah okay…copy that."

"Let one of the Cerberus jockey's, or EDI handle it," Laura said enticingly.

"You, you are a tease," Joker stated while trying to avoid Shepard's lips on his neck. "You know you have a meeting with Anderson, and you know we don't have time."

"Oh fine," Laura said swatting his hat. "You got me. But you really should get more sleep. EDI tells me you haven't slept in quite some time."

"Sleep? Sleep is for the week. Besides, somebody has to make sure EDI doesn't go all Skynet on us."

"I'm serious. I know you and I will be relaxing for our quick shore leave, but while onboard this ship you need to sleep more," the commander said seriously.

"That an invitation into your quarters…ma'am?" Joker asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

"I wish," Laura sighed heavily as she stood. "But who knows where there are hidden bugs and cameras onboard. But this shore leave, I promise: spooning and snuggling for all."

"You're cute when you try to be romantic. 'Try' is the keyword."

"Brat," she said before successfully stealing the pilot's hat and placing it victoriously on her head. "Wanna feel important? Do some field work?"

"Are you saying I'm not important?" Joker queried. "And I thought our visit to the Citadel would be work free."

"I suppose you might…possibly be important to this mission," she teased while making a pained expression. "And relax. While I'm with Anderson I need you to pick up our newest recruit."

"I assume you trust me because this person is not a psychopath," he reasoned.

"Kasumi Goto is a master thief: stealthy, sabotage, infiltration and extraction. No history of excessive violence, or any mental illness that may lead to violent outbursts," EDI chimed in. "Cerberus has acquired her services as The Illusive Man deems that her skills will assist Commander Shepard."

"So as long as you don't have anything valuable lying around you should be okay," Shepard added.

"Yeah sure, nothing valuable just THE ONLY STEALTH FRIGATE IN THE GALAXY!" Joker shouted after arriving at the docking station.

"Relax. EDI can prevent theft. Right, oh great blue orb?"

"Affirmative Commander. Any unauthorized piloting opens my capabilities and allows me to take direct control of the ship."

"You've handled geth, and rachni face to face as well as shot down a reaper," Shepard encouraged. "One human thief escorted back to the ship is all I ask."

"Fine," Joker said as he followed Shepard into the airlock. "But I'll need my hat back."

"I bet you think that's cute," Laura said as the airlock opened to the Citadel.

"Yeah, would make a good scene ender," Joker said dryly as they took separate elevators.

After clearing customs with C-sec, Joker found himself in the Lower Wards and a bit confused. Having no idea what is quarry looked like, Joker was at a loss for what to do.

_Well I guess if everybody knew what she looked like she wouldn't be a very good thief._

_Not helping._

_Right, right. Well she's been contacted by Cerberus and was told to meet here. Look for somebody that looks like they're waiting or eyeing your hat._

Putting his plan into action, Joker found a wall to lean against and watch the crowd. The sheer amount of people shuffling past, conversing, or purchasing made it difficult to see anybody standing still as the pilot planned. Finally, Joker spotted someone leaning against an advertisement column.

_Most people don't lean against the columns, sure they watch them, but most walk right past them._

Limping over to the column, Joker was at a loss for what to say when he approached the hooded woman.

"You're not Shepard," she said simply, a small accent playing over her words.

"Indeed. But why would you be looking for somebody that is dead?"

"Cut the crap. Where's Shepard?" she asked.

"Being a master thief and stealth expert I assumed you would already know," Joker said, crossing his arms.

The thief smiled and finally looked at the pilot face to face. "Meeting with the first human councilor in private of course. You must be Joker."

"Of course you know my name," Joker said, walking to the ship. "Coming?"

"I've already slipped aboard. This is only a hologram," she said before disappearing.

"This just keeps getting better and better."

* * *

So the plan is to have Kasumi and Joker play off of each other similar to Shepard. Review por favor


End file.
